Tag Archives: Vulnerability

My #oneword2013 : Improve

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*Tap Tap* Is this thing on?

So I have decided to dust off the blog and start a new. New theme, new year, new outlook. And what better way to start a re-envisioning than with what my One Word (#oneword2013) will be. For those of you that don’t know, many people around the Twitterverse take the last few weeks of the previous year and first few days of the new year finding out what one word will be their theme for the rest of the year (for tips on how to select your own word, check out Becca Obergefell’s, @OberBecca, post about it here).

I always find it hard to just pick one word to define what your goals will be for an entire day, let alone a whole year, but this concept resonates with me. After thinking about it, I have decided on the word Improve. Seems like a pretty easy concept, improve, but I like it because it can really encompass my entire life, not just professional, or personal, or any other silo-ed part of my life, but a real holistic view of who I am and who I want to be.

It really began with that last thought, thinking about who I want to be. Before I did that, however, I needed to see who I was. I like to think that I am a good husband (still learning though, only two months in), a decent professional, and I am trying to be a good daddy to our new rescue border collie mix named Philly. There are a few things that I know I can do better (notice that my last post on this was from last March). And there is a third group of identities that I flat out suck at. Instead of trying to set the new years resolutions to focus on the sucking ones, I think I can improve all aspects of my life. A few ways I plan on doing this:

  • The most obvious thing I am working on this year is being healthy/well. Last August, I took the position of an Engagement Center Director at Michigan State, and I convene the health and wellness aspect of the neighborhoods initiative. Spending part of every day thinking about the wellness of an entire campus of students made me realize that I am not putting enough time into my own wellness. With that in mind, I have signed up with Coach Ed Cabellon (@edcabellon) and Team Beach Body (the P90X people) to complete the Shakeology and Power90 In Home Bootcamp. Last year brought me many health concerns, which I will discuss in future posts I am sure, and this is going to be my attempt to get back that power and spark I need to be the healthy man my family/friends/colleagues deserve. (If you want to pledge to be healthy as well, check out Coach Ed’s #oneword2013 post here and sign his pledge)
  • I will regularly update this site and my blog. I really enjoy writing here, and hope you enjoy reading. I don’t know if I can commit to #52in52 like Becca, but I am prepared to commit to #26in52 this year, which is at least one post every other week. If I am starting to slip on that, please call me on it, and if you would like some mutual accountability between us, send me a message.
  • I will at least, possibly, maybe, definitely, sorta set a timeline for obtaining my PhD. This concept scares the hell out of me, but if I want to improve myself as a professional and as a life-long learner, I need to start thinking about those two letters in front and the three letters behind my name (Dr and PhD if you are playing the home game). If anyone has some strategies on how to tip toe into this area, please let me know.

Will it be hard, sure. Will I stumble, definitely. But ultimately, I want to be able to sit at my desk on January 4, 2014 and say, I really did work to improve this past year, and maybe I didn’t accomplish it all, but I can safely say I am a better person/professional/colleague/friend/husband/athlete than I was a year ago.

Will you join me in vowing to improve this year? What are a few areas that you want to focus on, and how can I/the community support you through it?


(Want to add your own #oneword2013 or see what others are adding? Check out this list  and thank you to Niki Rudolph, @NikiRudolph, for compiling the list again!)

The Best Thing I Never Knew I Always Wanted

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If you haven’t had a chance yet, check out the new post by @BrianFLeDuc on his blog (http://brianfleduc.com/2011/03/28/being-seen/#). This is a topic that he and I have been chatting about a lot recently. As a department, we are exploring the idea of vulnerability, trying to see how it fits into our jobs and how it affects our team dynamic. So I guess it’s my turn to open my heart and talk about my lessons…

I like to call this the best thing I never knew I always wanted, and it is the reason I am in student affairs.

I am in a fraternity. As I was going through my new member process, I was given several tasks and events that we had to complete. When I was going through them, I couldn’t put words to what was happening to me, and wasn’t until later that I realized what it was; hazing. I put up with it because I believed in what the fraternity stood for and I wanted to be a member. I still consider my Greek experience one of my most valuable leadership positions I had as an undergrad and advising a chapter in Graduate School gave me my first taste of advising in the trenches.

 I was elected President of my fraternity very young. I was elected the first semester of my sophomore year and took office the next semester. My first semester as president, we took our largest new member class, one that nearly doubled the size of our chapter. I was riding high. The Greek Advisor for my school and I were on great terms. We had gotten to know each other by working on Greek Week the previous semester, and I considered her a great ally and mentor. I had a good relationship with the administration, they appreciated what I was doing with the chapter and our image to other organizations. They also helped me get through a personal tragedy in the previous semester, but that is another post.

Our normal new member process continued, and I sat by and watched it and sometimes participated. One day, my Greek Advisor called me in to her office and informed me we were being investigated for hazing. I kept a straight face, but in the back of my head, all I could think was, I am going to jail forever (not likely, but you couldn’t tell me that). So I did what any leader of integrity does in a situation when you are faced with a moral temptation. I called a meeting with everyone in the chapter, and I told them a simple thing…

Lie

Lie to the investigators, lie to your friends, lie to yourselves, lie to save the chapter, lie to save me. So we did, we came up with a story of what “really” happened, and everyone stuck to the story. Some people bought it, most people didn’t, but most importantly, I didn’t buy it. So that night, I stared at the ceiling, not sleeping, with the same idea running through my head; “How can I call myself a leader with integrity, if I can’t be honest with the people that just want to help me”. This went on for about a week. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, I went into my advisors office, closed the door, sat on the couch, broke down, and with tears in my eyes, told her that we did it, but to have mercy on us and not take our chapter away, help me fix it. And she did, and in that moment, I knew I wanted to have that effect on students in the same way she affected me.

So for the rest of my time as president, we worked together. We came up with a new plan of how to teach the same lessons and use the idea of rites of passage, but without putting anyone in danger. She never asked about our secrets, and I never told. I was finally able to live a life of integrity, and felt like I left a legacy on the chapter. Some brothers hated me, others respected me, alumni would be a mix of “you killed our chapter” to “we have been trying to do this for a long time, thank you for accomplishing it”. At the end of the day, I had to shave my own face in the mirror, and I finally could after coming clean.

This is a story that not many people know, but an important one for me. It not only gave me my future career and passion, it made me explore the idea of integrity for the first time, and truly live it, instead of just saying I did. The inner-monologue of thinking I was going to jail, to a full revealing of my deep thoughts and fears, all because my advisor let me be vulnerable, which is a lesson I will never forget.

Wow, that felt pretty good to write. I hope you enjoyed reading. Thank you if you made it this far.